How to Navigate Difficult Conversations

Effective communication is foundational to any healthy relationship, and the greater our ability to communicate clearly, calmly, and with intention, the better our relationships will be.

Ask any therapist and we’ll tell you one of the most common issues in relationships is a lack of communication. Perhaps you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or grew up in a conflict-avoidant household, or maybe you assume the other person already knows what you’re thinking. Regardless, sharing our thoughts and feelings can be hard, especially when it comes to serious topics like mental health or trauma. Over the years, I’ve developed the following guide to help my clients (and myself) have more effective discussions about tough topics. Keep in mind this is only an outline, so feel free to use what works for you and discard what doesn’t.

Consider the setting

There may be no “perfect time” to have this conversation, but there are certainly bad times. Consider the time of day, day of the week, and proximity to important events and anniversaries. Even when these conversations go well, one or both of you may need time alone afterward, so be sure to account for that. Also select a place that feels comfortable and safe for you, but is not threatening to the other person. For instance, your favorite bar may feel good for you but not be a great place for your mother, who’s in recovery. Somewhere with a lot of space and a reasonable amount of privacy is ideal. A loud, crowded restaurant or a cramped three-hour flight probably aren’t great options. Instead, think along the lines of a coffee house, outdoor patio, or a quiet room in your house.

Set the tone

This is a situation where you want to be taken seriously, so it’s important to set the right tone. Let them know in advance that this is an important conversation, so they can get in the right frame of mind. You could say “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something for awhile, but I’m nervous” or “Can we sit down and talk, there’s something that’s been bothering me the past few days.” Use whatever verbiage feels comfortable to you. Cluing the other person in ahead of time also gives them an opportunity to say if this isn’t a good time for them–maybe they have an event later or need to take a work call in a few minutes, and a different time would be best.

State your needs

I know this is way easier said than done, but trust me: being upfront about what you’re needing from the other person will help both of you have a more effective conversation. Without stating your needs, the other person may automatically respond the way they think is best, like minimizing the problem or offering unwelcome advice. You can say “I’m just needing you to listen,” “I might need a hug after,” or “I’d like your advice after I finish talking.” Even if the person is not able or willing to meet your needs, it’s easier to enforce a boundary (“I need to end the conversation here,” for example) when you’ve already stated your needs.

Say what you need to say

Be as honest and direct as possible without being hurtful. Clearly share what you need to and try to be brief; no need to use flowery language or sugar-coat it. You’ve laid the foundation for a serious conversation and the other person has likely prepared themself, and may have even guessed what you’re going to say. Use “I” language (e.g. “I feel anxious” instead of “You made me feel anxious when…”) so the other person is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive. The more you can focus on your experience or perspective, the better.

Follow-up with a question

This signals to the other person that you’re done talking, at least temporarily, and gives them permission to engage. You could ask “What do you think?” or “What would you do in this situation?” Give them space to share and don’t be alarmed if they don’t have anything to say just yet; they may need some time to process their feelings or find the best way to communicate them to you.

Here are some tips:

●      Don’t assume how they’re feeling. Instead of “You’re probably mad” or “I know this disappoints you,” ask them directly: “How are you feeling about this?” or “What are you thinking right now?” Prepare yourself for their honest answer and try not to hold it against them.

●      Ask “What do you need from me?” or “What would you like to do now?” and do your best to meet these needs if it’s reasonable to do so.

●      You may want reassurance that they agree with you or still care about you. This is okay, but again, be prepared for their honest answer and don’t hold it against them.

Share your feelings

Let the other person know how you are, emotionally. You can say “I’m feeling relieved at getting this off my chest” or “I’m still a little worried.” Any feeling is okay to feel and express, but don’t expect them to “fix” it. This is likely not the only conversation you’ll have with this person about the topic, so don’t feel compelled to say everything you’re feeling in the moment. Hopefully this conversation lays the groundwork for you to talk more openly in the future.

This article first appeared on the Passport Journeys blog.

What to Expect in Your First Therapy Session

Starting therapy can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially if it’s your very first time. You might have a general idea of what to expect based on TV or movies, but those often gloss over the first session and get right to the deeper stuff. To lower your anxiety and help you prepare, here’s a quick rundown of what you can expect in your first therapy session:

Paperwork

Lots of paperwork. Unless your therapist had you complete intake forms online ahead of time, you’re in for at least 10 minutes of reading about confidentiality and privacy practices, filling out forms with your contact info, and explaining a bit about why you’re seeking therapy.

“So what brings you here?”

Speaking of therapy goals, your therapist is going to want to know why you’re coming to therapy right now. Did something specific happen, like a traumatic accident or death? Have you been having issues in your relationship? Maybe you’re wanting to talk about the bullying you experienced in middle school. Whatever the reason, be prepared to share at least a bit about why you’re there.

If you can’t think of a specific reason, ask yourself what you’d like to change about your life. This could be getting better sleep, managing your anger, improving your social skills, anything at all that you would like to improve. Don’t worry if your goal seems impossible or you have no idea how to get there--that’s the reason people come to therapy. While the therapist won’t have all the answers, their job is to help you create a roadmap to your best self and guide you along the way.

Building rapport

In the first couple of sessions, you’re just getting to know your therapist, feel out their vibes, and decide if this is a good fit. Considering the relationship between therapist and client is one of the most important factors contributing to success in therapy, you’ll want to make sure this is someone you can trust. Feel free to ask questions--how long they’ve been counseling, where they’re from, what they do for fun. I encourage my clients to ask me any questions they’d like, and if I don’t feel comfortable or it feels too personal, I let them know. Therapists shouldn’t spend most of the session talking about themselves, but it makes sense to want to get to know who they are as a person before spilling your deep, dark secrets. And don’t worry about getting to those shameful, heavy issues at the beginning--you will get there eventually, I promise.

It will probably end sooner than you think

Most sessions are “an hour” but that’s a therapy hour, meaning closer to 45 or 50 minutes. This is so your therapist has time to write notes and decompress before their next session. Even so, those 50 minutes will likely fly by as you start to talk about your life. If you get stuck or don't know what to say, don't worry. Your therapist will have plenty of questions for you and will keep the conversation going.

Scheduling

Before you leave, your therapist will ask about scheduling your next appointment. Most therapy sessions are weekly, but it’s not unusual to have anywhere between 2 sessions a week and 2 sessions a month, depending on your level of need or crisis. If the therapist suggests weekly but financially you can only afford every other week, tell them that. A good therapist will understand and either be flexible with scheduling, offer sliding scale (a lower session fee), or refer you to a therapist within your budget.

If you don’t feel like this therapist is a good fit for you, please say so. We’ve heard this before and understand that we’re not going to be the perfect person for every client. Saying this after the first session means we can recommend a different counselor and you don’t have to waste time or money doing something that doesn’t feel right. It's normal to see a couple therapists before finding the right one for you. Although you might not feel totally at ease after one session, you should feel like you “click” with the therapist.